FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS REGARDING ZOMBIES
Answers by Doc Ruger Chairman Dept. of Zombology and Reanimation
The Florida Autonomy Institute*
(*Statements by Doc Ruger do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Dept.. of Zombology)
- Why do zombies like eating brains and guts? Beating heart zombies must feed for energy. These zombies always feel bad, but ironically are the subset of zombies that are the most advantaged. It is not a good feeling to be a beating heart zombie. Brains and intestines have high concentrations of serotonin. Serotonin is sometimes called “the happiness hormone” (technically it is not a hormone; more like a drug). So essentially a high functioning zombie is trying to self-medicate. Feeding on your brains or intestines makes it feel better. That is why a higher functioning zombie may utter, “I want to eat your brain.” As higher functions are lost, these zombies just want to feed so are more likely to take a chunk from your arm or legs, whatever is easier to feed on.
- Can a zombie infect animals? No! It is a species-specific virus. A beating heart zombie might eat a live animal (but will deny it). Zombies cannot transmit the virus to another species.
- But what about zombie dogs in movies? Dude, movies are fictional (except those done by Oliver Stone. If Oliver Stone has a zombie dog in a film then this would prove that zombie dogs exist). I am only discussing irrefutable scientific facts.
- Why don’t zombies eat each other? Occasionally they do, but there is not a reproductive advantage for the virus in biting another viral-laden zombie. Only beating heart zombies feed on other beating heart zombies. This usually occurs as a hordeattack (“Donner attack”). Typically it will be a high functioning zombie with lower viral load that is eaten, but customarily in situations where there is little other food. Beating heart zombies all need food, but are predisposed to bite living humans so they may naturally feed on them as well.
- If I have sex with a zombie am I a necrophiliac? No you are a sick freak. Technically speaking, you are not having sex with a dead corpse you are having sex with an undead (I won’t even go into all the issues I have with this question).
- What is the life span of a zombie? Beating heart zombies can live for years. If the heart stops, a beating heart zombie becomes an asystole zombie and reanimates shortly after cardiac arrest. Asystole zombies’ average life span is about eighteen months. It can be undead for up to three years. In low humidity environments it can potentially double the undead span.
- Does freezing kill a zombie? No, it will reanimate after thawing. Yet, it will convert a beating heart zombie to an asystole zombie.
- What is the best way to kill a zombie? The three best ways to kill a zombie are head shot, head shot and head shot. Headshots will destroy the nanotubular network in the brain. The cerebellum and brainstem stops functioning and the undead become
“redead”. The viral particles may remain viable for weeks in the corpse but it cannot reanimate the corpse.
- Will you become a zombie if you eat zombie flesh? If you are eating zombie flesh you are undoubtedly a zombie that does not understand you are undead. I would shoot myself in the head immediately. On the off-hand chance you are not a zombie, then you are definitely off your medicines and you need to call your shrink straight away.
- What if my friend put zombie flesh in my sandwich as a joke? First, I trust you are using the word “friend” very loosely. You should give him a taste of his own medicine. Place a piece of zombie flesh in the open bore of an M-16 shove the barrel in his mouth then pull the trigger (while your pulling the trigger say something clever like “this is what zombie flesh tastes like and I don’t think you’ll be back for seconds”). But, to answer your question, the virus is killed by stomach acid. If you have an open sore in your mouth or esophagus you have a 1-5% chance of converting into an infection.
Those are the top 10 Zombie FAQs
- Why do zombies drool? The virus stimulates the growth of the salivary glands. Zombie’s salarva (salarva is saliva infected with the ZA virus) has the highest concentration of viral particles. This is how the virus transmits itself through bites. A warning though (as I have learned the hard way), some regular folks drool like my great uncle Clarence (His surviving family members are still not speaking to me).
- My girlfriend is now a zombie. What should I do? Become celibate.
- I like running in and out of zombie hordes for the adrenalin rush. My friends think I am crazy. What do you think? I would recommend you repeat this activity blind folded with my sincere hope you have not already reproduced.
- Can you burn a zombie to death? Yes, but a zombie can walk ablaze for minutes. So it may not be a good idea, especially if it is chasing you. On the plus side, burning zombies smell like BBQ pork, but don’t be fooled. Burned zombie flesh tastes like necrotic bowel (don’t even ask the next obvious question, you really don’t want to know).
- Can zombies drown? Only a beating heart zombie. A beating heart zombie can drown, but then it converts into an asystole zombie. Zombies typically walk on the bottom unless it has released enough gas from bacterial deterioration to cause the zombie to float to the surface.
- If we kill all the zombies, will it end their plague? Sadly no. Zombies should always be kept to a minimal population, but by their very nature they cannot be completely eradicated. Under no circumstances should the zombie population reach the “terminal Z point“. This is the population necessary to completely destroy society. The “terminal Z point” is a number cannot be predicted accurately in advance, but we know it exists (think similar to a national debt).
- Are there baby and toddler zombies? Yes, another great reason to wear steel tipped boots.
- I have two questions. Can you smurf test a blind zombie and what does dumb chum mean? Yes by all means try to “smurf test” a blind zombie, and then report back to me. I will then show you a very excellent example of “dumb chum“.
- Can you become a zombie from sitting on a toilet seat? Yes, but not if you sit on the toilet seat with a loaded gun.
- What is the highest concentration of zombies in the United States. Demographic studies show the highest concentration of zombies and zombification occur at 38°53’23″N , 77°00’27″W (referred to as “fountainhead Z” by most zombologists) second highest concentration is 38º 34′ N, 121º 29′ W.
Those are the top 20 Zombie FAQs
- Are there other organisms that cause zombification besides the ZA virus? Yes, the fungus Ophiordyceps causes ants to turn into zombies. There is not any fungus that does the same to humans . . .yet.
- Does the word Zombie come from Rob Zombie the musician? You clearly have a low IQ and will not remember the answer, but I will address your question anyway. Zombie (sometimes spelled Zombi) is a derivation of the word “nzambi” (spirit of the dead), which comes from the old Kingdom of the Kongo.
- Can a zombie survive a head shot? In most circumstances, no. The nanotubular matrix, which is supporting the cerebellum and brain stem function, is very delicate. Any blow, bullet, blade, etc. that has enough force to pierce the cranium would generate forces high enough in the skull cavity to stress the matrix. Since the matrix structure is formed in the viral replication stage before the body dies, there is no way to reform the matrix in an undead.
- Will a zombie bite you if it has a scrab in its mouth? Yes. If the oral cavity is full, it will just bite. If the cavity is less than ½ full with the scrab, the scrab will be ejected as the zombie tries to acquire a full scrab. Typically a zombie with a scrab will not re-bite a thinker that it has acquired a scrab from.
- Why is it said that an asystole zombie does not eat humans when I have seen a human stripped to the bone by an asystole horde? Asystole zombies don’t technically eat human flesh in the traditional sense (bite, masticate, swallow, digest, eliminate, excrement) as beating heart zombies do. They largely bite to spread the virus but also will remove a chunk of flesh if they can, (although painful, this is not lethal) which when held in the zombies’ mouth is called a scrab. Once an asystole zombie is acquired a scrab from you, it is finished with you (although it may bite others). If there are other zombies as in a horde attack and they are all scrabless, they will all try to acquire a scrab. Enough zombies each getting a scrab can strip a human of flesh in a few minutes, like a cow in a school of pirañha (see pirañha attack). It may be splitting hairs but they are not technically eating you, just biting off hunks of flesh.
- Can zombies live in space? No, the ZA virus and nanotubular networks still require low levels of oxygen to carry on biological functions.
- Can zombies live underwater? Yes, but the water must have enough oxygen content that it can be extracted for the viral nanotubular energy system to survive.
- If you cut off a zombie head, will the body and head still function as a zombie? The answer is no and perhaps. No, the body ceases to work without head. The head can still survive if decapitated if in such a way the nanotubular matrix is not destroyed. This is referred to as a” rolling chomper“. Within a week or two it usually has utilized all energy available then dies, unless it has a scrab in its mouth. If so, it can live for up to a month. The head cannot move unless it is rolling downhill. Sometimes, jaw movement will get it rolling.
- Can you tell a white zombie from a thinker by looking? A pseudothinker is very hard to tell from a thinker. He/she drools more than a thinker. You can do a blood test, smurf test, hurdle test, etc.
- Do zombies like music? They are attracted by loud music, but are reportedly repelled by country western. This has not been scientifically tested however. Pseudothinkers may dance, but none are as good as the dancers in “Thriller. “
Those are the Top 30 Zombie FAQs
- Do zombies have emotion? Pseudothinkers can retain emotion, but most zombies can be forced to watch “The Notebook” and you will never see a tear shed.
- Can you scare a zombie by showing them a weapon? No, zombies have no sense of self-preservation. Try a turtle instead.
- Why do you like to quote from the book The Immune? You should read it and find out for yourself. Some of my favorite quotes.
- Can a zombie smell that I am a living human? No, it can only smell that you aren’t secreting necromones. By eliminating that you are not a zombie, it will understand that you are to be bitten. So I guess it is the same difference.
- How does an asystole zombie get oxygen from metabolism if the lungs no longer function? The nanotubular network infiltrates the skin, piercing at billions of points, it acquires oxygen much like an insect tracheal compression system. These billions of nanotubular openings are able to extract enough oxygen from the air or water to provide metabolic needs. The nanotubules also excrete necromones (ZOFF) in large quantity and large quantities of antibiotics during the purification phase. The antibiotics and antifungals serve to prevent opportunistic infections and putrefaction of the body. Oxygen requirements are much lower for a zombie than a living human being.
- Why does stuff that looks like green sludge leak out when you cut an asystole zombie’s skin? All organ systems in an asystole zombie undergo putrefaction eventually. This is essentially liquefying the organ. The sludge is what is remaining of these autolyzed organs. (pleasant dreams after reading this).
- How much weight does a zombie lose each day from autolysis utilized in energy? About ½ pound. If the zombie has a scrab, it is less than an ounce a day. (Here is a million dollar idea-The scrabless zombie diet. Lose 30 pounds in two months without being hungry. Guaranteed!)
- How does a necromancer make a zombie prime and why? Zombie primes are made by necromancers – not by infecting the living – but by taking quality fresh organs and flesh and fitting them together (“Frankenstein-esque”) to make a supposedly superior organism to deal with world problems. For example, if air pollution is a problem, the zombie prime would be fitted within an enhanced pulmonary system. The ZA virus is used to activate the patch-work cadaver. It is an initiative to make society better, which invariably it never does because the zombies don’t have human nature built in. Thus are destined to fail.
- Why don’t necromancers just stop making zombie primes when they see what damage they cause? They believe the next zombie prime they make will be better than the previous, and it will fix damage done by earlier ones. The red necromancers believe that their zombies are better than the blues and vice versa. Necromancers are also given great privileges and would lose these privileges if not making zombies or stopping the other factions from producing their zombies. Necromancers also require flesh to survive, as well as their supporters.
- Don’t necromancers know that zombies require flesh? Yes, but they justify the amount consumed by the theoretical good zombies should eventually do.
- If zombie primes end up being bad, why do they keep making the same ones? Necromancers believe that if the right necromancers were in power, zombies in the past world have worked. If they were in power, the same zombies would produce different results despite past historical record.
- Are there animals that prey on zombies? Yes, just about any parasite will feed on asystole zombie if it gets a chance. Maggots can be a big problem for all areas of flesh that does not have a nanotubular network. Bacteria and fungus is kept in control with the constant release of antibiotic and antifungals by the nanotubules. Rats are hell on zombies feet and zombies in zorpor frequently lose flesh to carrion birds. Zombie hordes can typically be identified in the distance by swarms of buzzards and vultures flying above.
- Is rabies a form of zombification in animals? No. Rabies is just an illness even though it can be spread by the bite like the ZA virus. When the animal dies, it is not reanimated and therein lies the difference.
- Do zombies sleep? Zombies do not sleep in the traditional sense but they do enter a state of zorpor, which is a resting phase.
- Nanobot zombies: In a sense you can think of the ZA virus as “natural robot.” The council is desperately working to create such a zombie. Nanobots would presumably be able to be controlled by necromancers unlike viral zombies, which they lose control over, once created.
- Paranormal zombies: Zombies created by magic. If you believe in magic, please contact the Institute of Zombology as we have a very nice rainbow we would like to sell you at a reasonable price.
- Does the ZA virus transfer by blood and sweat as well as saliva? It can but is rare as the viral load in zombie blood is 1,000x lower than salarva and in sweat it is 10,000x lower. But to be safe, I would follow Pappy 5X’s sage advice, “never lick a sweaty zombie.”
- How many necromancers are there in the country? The number hovers around 535. Sadly, if any are exiled or die they are replaced.
- What is the difference between a red and blue necromancer? Not a hell of a lot by most zombie hunter’s standards.
- Do zombies have super strength? No, but because most feel literally no pain, they can create much higher muscular forces than thinkers would. On the other hand, it is not unusual for zombies to create such force that tear tendons from bone. In addition, due to lack of normal energy systems, asystole zombies are generally much weaker than thinkers and move much slower.
- Can zombies learn? Pseudothinkers can, but all other zombies cannot.
- Can zombies use weapons or tools? White zombies can, depending on the amount of higher functions that are preserved. Asystole zombies cannot utilized weapons or tools.
- Can a zombie drive a car? Only white zombies that are pseudothinkers. Less than one percent of white zombies are pseudothinkers. Just because they can drive, I wouldn’t recommend riding with one.
- Would a blood transfusion from a bubble rider cause you to turn into a zombie? The risk would be extremely high depending on your level of immunity.
- Why don’t asystole zombies bleed when shot? Their blood is congealed.
- If there blood is congealed, how do muscles get energy to contract? The viral nanotubular network provides nutrients and energy to muscles through autodigestion, autolysis of the body. Motor nerves, selected sensory nerves, salivary glands, skin and muscles are protected. Everything else undergoes autolysis and is used for fuel by the zombie.
- Can a necromancer be eaten/attacked by a zombie? Ironically, necromancerssometimes act as if they may be immune to zombie attacks. While it is true, due to safeguards made by necromancers to protect themselves, sometimes they are attacked by the very zombies they produced. Sadly, they are all replaced by other necromancers, who clearly don’t learn from history
- Do zombies ever need haircuts? No, hair growth and nail growth stop in all zombies. All hair growth grows into a telogen phase (non growing phase). Therefore, it is ill advised to give a zombie a haircut.
- How many zombies does it take to change a light bulb? No matter how many zombies bite a light bulb, it will not change the light bulb into a zombie. (I will no longer be accepting stupid zombie questions from this point on).
- What is the best way to move through a cluster of zombies without being bitten? Spray your body with a mix of zombie flesh and hot sauce, wear a blue leisure suit while ridding a Galapagos turtle, walking a dog on a leash, or while cracking a whip. You will be successful in making it through a cluster, but you will have trouble finding a date for Saturday night.
- Does an asystole zombie die twice? No. An asystole zombie that has just been transformed from a beating heart zombie technically is not undergoing another death. It is just switching energy systems.
- Do necromones cause zombies to cluster? Possibly. We do know that necronomes allow zombies to identify zombies from the living. It is theorized that clusters may form as zombies recognize each others presence but this has not been fully scientifically explored.
- Does a blue car repel zombies? It depends on how fast it is going when it hits the zombies.